Equanimity: The Conscious Realization of Life’s Fleetingness

Lessons from the previous year

Content Warning: I will be discussing previous experiences with suicide ideation briefly. Proceed with caution.

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The final months of 2022 were, by all accounts, a whirlwind. There were many ups and even more downs, but overall, I had a pretty good year.

Let’s recap:

• I managed— against the advice, opinion, and doubt of others— to buy a home.

• I completed a 200-hour yoga teacher training, which I probably will discuss in more depth on this blog these coming months.

• I started my candle business. RAINBOWS & SHADOWS, which I fondly refer to as “my negative four-figure company, soon to be positive!” Find out more here.

• I became debt free for about six months, until I bought my house, of course, and learned a lot about wealth and financial security. 10/10 recommend BTW.

• I found my passion. I became a writer, albeit an unknown baby writer with nothing but an overwhelming need to succeed, but a writer nonetheless.

Yet, I still feel like I have much more to accomplish. I know that I did A LOT. There’s no question about that. And I know that I am deserving of rest, but as I use this time to reflect, I’m beginning to understand where this need is coming from.

At the end of 2021, I experienced a life-threatening mental health crisis. To put it plainly, I became comatose with anxiety and depression and romanticized a way out. It wasn’t my first experience with suicide ideation, but it was the first time I’d ever manage to stay in passive ideation without succumbing to active ideation. At the same time, I fought my way out—a herculean feat for anyone who understands the struggle. And so, sitting in my pajamas 3 days since I’d last showered, I decided to make 2022 the year of self-discovery.

I did more than I thought would be possible in 365 days. I experienced more. I emoted more. I lived more for myself than I’d ever had before. It was extraordinary but it was not without consequence.

For those who have followed along thus far, I attempted to write more on this blog with small success. I proclaimed that I would do more than I did— mainly due to my lack of commitment and need to do more than I can— and self-sabotaged my budding endeavors with self-doubt.

If the past year has taught me anything, it is this: it’s much easier to live than survive. Yes there are good days, and yes, there are bad days. Though, to strive for one over the other only creates suffering. Accepting that life comes with ebbs and flows makes existence much richer. Accept the neutrality of life above all else.

So let’s begin 2023 with the theme of equanimity. To stay mentally calm in times of tribulation, to maintain contentedness, and to strive for a constant state of equilibrium.

Happy New Year, dear reader!